The Little Voice That Should Be Deafening

You know what I’m talking about. That little voice in your head that tells you the relentless truth that you don’t want to or can’t admit to yourself. There have been more times in my life than I’m willing to admit that I have blatantly ignored that little voice in my head. And every. single. time. it has bitten me right in the ass.

Of course there were times when I was a kid…  “don’t roller skate down that giant pavement hill without knee pads…” Ignoring the little voice that time left me embarrassed, bloodied and scarred. At some point though, the little voice stops being about protecting you from reckless antics on sporting equipment, and becomes about protecting your heart and keeping you true to yourself.

The first time that I can remember ignoring this voice – in my “adult” life anyway – was when I was dating my college boyfriend after we’d graduated. I remember that voice saying “this is wrong, your heart will be broken”… but I was so convinced that I was “in love” that I compromised who I was as a person, accepted WAY less than I deserved, and ignored the voice. Guess what? Broken heart.

A few years later, that obnoxious little voice popped up again when I was getting engaged and buying a house with my soon-to-be husband. “This is wrong, this is not the life you want…” Again, I shut it out, bought the house, and ended up a 24-year-old bride drifting down a gorgeous staircase at a $50,000 wedding, feeling sick to my stomach the whole time. “It’s just nerves” I told myself. “He’s a good guy, and getting married is what we’re supposed to do now” I told myself. Guess what? Divorced three years later.

There have been countless times since then that I’ve ignored that voice, and ended up frustrated, disappointed, or heart broken. So why? Why when I know the voice is right, when I know it won’t go away, and when I know ignoring it will once again leave me scarred, why don’t I listen?

The last several months (longer than that if I’m being honest), have been really hard for me. Parenthood, marriage, work, feelings, adulting… it’s all hard AF sometimes. I will spare you all of the monotonous details, but I can sum it up by saying that for too long I’ve compromised myself, accepted less than I deserve, and focused my precious energy in the wrong places. The day when finally recognizing these facts slaps you in the face, well that’s a shitty day my friends.

So what does a girl do when she’s gripped with the devastating realization that she’s ignored the voice that keeps her true to herself yet again? She does what any red-blooded, over-privileged white bitch would do and gets drunk at a Justin Timberlake concert…

takes a day to take care of her sick baby…

takes a day to herself…

And then dries up the tears and gets back after it. Because in all of the words that the little voice has whispered to me, “quit” has never been one of them.

 

 

 

p.s. Writing posts like this and bearing my soul to the vast depths of the internet is how I help myself work through different struggles in my life. Thinking it through and writing it down helps me get my mind right and move forward. When I hear from people who have read my words and say “me too”, I feel less alone. My hope is that reading this helps even just one person know that they’re not alone either. We’re all just doing the best we can. I hope that these words reach someone who needs to see them today. Listen to the little voice…  it’s you.