On Thanksgiving we announced to the social media world that I am pregnant with our second babe. I’m so relieved to finally be able to talk about it here on the blog. I’m certain that I’m not the only woman out there who starts growing a human and consequently begins to reevaluate ummmm, basically life as we know it. I look at my daughter when I’m rocking her to sleep at night and think, “she deserves better.” I go to work and I think, “this is not my dream.” I recall my interactions with the people I love on a daily basis and think, “this is not who I want to be.” Pretty heavy, right? I’m not saying I’m a terrible, miserable person (all the time), but I could do better and I know that. All of this recent reflection has led me to one conclusion… I need to know what makes me happy and then go for it. If someone asked you the question “what makes you happy?” What would your answer be?
This pic really was during an actual cry-fest. This is the real deal, baby.
Before I spill my guts, I want to make one thing clear. I am blessed beyond measure with a beautiful, healthy, thriving daughter. We live in an amazing family neighborhood in a gorgeous home, we have nice cars, and our bills are paid. All of my needs are more than met, and I am beyond grateful and humbled by every blessing that we have. It is in no way my intention to sound ungrateful or unaware of just how amazing my life is. I only mean to point out that the “stuff” usually has very little to do with your thoughts and feelings.
I am not what you’d call a “glowing” pregnant person. I learned during the first pregnancy that it is a very difficult and emotionally insane process that I am not super excited to relive. When I was pregnant with Lila was one of the most difficult times in our marriage. I was so bitter and pissed off that it was not the magical time that I had always envisioned it to be, in which I was revered for completing the incomparable feat of growing and birthing a perfect child, that I couldn’t see ever doing it again.
I told Lane that I was pregnant the second time by handing him the positive test when we were in the ER with my daughter when she had pneumonia. “Don’t you wanna do it all again?!”
Then, after Lila was born, the postpartum depression hit me with the weight of a black hole, and I thought for sure that we’d be a one child family. It took nearly FIFTEEN months for me to look and feel like a normal human again, there was no way I’d survive it a second time.
I didn’t talk about these struggles much, because when people excitedly ask a pregnant person, “how are you feeling?!,” they don’t want to hear, “I’m dehydrated from crying so much, I feel like I can’t breathe, and the looming responsibility of a tiny baby is sometimes physically crippling for me.” So instead you say, “I’m a little tired, but I’m good! We’re soooooo excited!” And we are excited, but the other stuff is also true.
Our social media announcement was on Thanksgiving, holding the wishbone from our turkey and it said “Our wish came true – we’re expecting number two!”
I’ve also learned the hard way that the friends you do confide in then begin to watch you like a ticking time bomb. You read between the lines of their “how are you feeling?” texts and respond, “no, I’m not homicidal this morning.” Or, “No, I haven’t cried today because the Verizon guy is a traitor and now works for Sprint.” (WTF is up with that though? Poor form, ex-Verizon guy.)
Despite my fear and trepidation, Lane and I ultimately decided that we didn’t want Lila to be an only child and have to deal with our insanity on her own, SO, second try, second baby. And now here we are. I’m ten weeks in and my belly is already poking out. My skin is destroyed. Other things are changing in a not so attractive way, and I really do feel like my physical person has been taken over. It’s more than just vanity. But more importantly than all that, my mind is a mess. And all the while I think, “how dare I complain about pregnancy. There are thousands of women who’d give everything to be in my shoes.” That guilt is real, but I have to remind myself that their struggles don’t make mine any less valid or real.
Strangely, in this mess of hormones, I have this weird clarity too. It’s like I’m living in the eye of a hurricane. I can see all of the things that I don’t like about my life swirling around me, and I’m standing still in the middle. Despite the swirling mess of chaos, I can see the things that I want to change. I want to be happy and truly content. I want to strengthen my relationships, be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. I want to be successful and fulfilled at whatever I choose to do to earn a living. But then comes the insurmountable how?
I know that none of those things that I want will come unless I, myself, am happy. Lane asked me recently in the midst of a fight, “what makes you happy?” I was surprised – and then devastated – that my honest answer was, “I don’t know.” Time with my daughter always makes me happy. When I hear her laugh, there is nothing in the world that makes my heart burst with more love. But that is different than being happy with me.
I have friends that seem to glide through life, even the tough parts. They are always smiling, they are always laughing, they always look beautiful in the “glowy” kind of way. I envy that. I wish I was that person. There is part of me that thinks that’s just not how I’m wired. I am the intense, funny, cynical, sarcastic one, predisposed to depression. That’s my thing. But what if I don’t want it to be?…
So here I am, feeling like my life is supposed to be something different, like I need to realign my priorities to match the things that are truly important in my heart and mind, like I should stop hiding in the security of a job that isn’t my absolute passion and pursue my own dreams… (if I can remember what they are) and get myself happy.
I have little to no idea how to accomplish this, but what I do know is that my heart has always been in houses and design. And through this blog I have learned that nothing thrills me more than to hear someone say “you inspired me to….” I LOVE that.
I feel like I’m right on the edge of figuring out how to put all of it together, I just need a sign or a slap in the face or something. I pray every night that God helps me follow through with this vision he’s put in my heart. And then I cry when it seems too overwhelming.
Until I figure it all out, I’m genuinely asking… what makes you happy? I mean what really makes you happy? I don’t mean things like “being outdoors”… if you dig deeper than that, it’s probably the connection with nature that makes you happy. Or the time for quiet reflection. Those are the insights I am talking about. So, if you would be so kind… dig deep. What makes you happy? In the middle of this hurricane, I’m certainly open to ideas.
Hormonally Yours,
For years I said what makes me happy is my family and friends and though that is incredibly true those wonderful people in my life did not make ME like myself anymore on a daily basis. Through a whole lot of therapy and years of thinking I was just going to be the introvert who everyone said was an extrovert always smiling, I realized that I had to do so much more for myself. When my friends were in crisis I would drop everything to be there for them in any way they needed me to be….so why wasn’t I doing that for myself? After a time (and some good meds;) I realized that my life needed purpose. I needed to feel like I was making a difference. Much like you do with home design, I realized my passion was in helping disadvantaged children in Nashville who were just like me but for the grace of God so I changed jobs…took a giant leap of faith and after that initial stress of the change found my life had meaning that I really enjoyed and was desperately searching for. I take walks in the morning to watch the sunrise in peace when I can get my ass out of bed, I sit on the porch for 15 minutes with a beer and watch the sunset whenever I can catch it, I cook with music blaring in the kitchen to clear my mind, but the bottom line is that I had to find my peace and that was through finding my purpose. I know I have a long way to go but at the end of the day I fall asleep happy with MYSELF…for years I never thought that was possible….so finally I guess I found out that I make myself happy. Not sure this makes any sense but your post struck a chord with me….I have felt that all before in my own way. Lots of love dear friend!
Thank you for sharing this, Ruthie! I’m so proud of you and so happy for you! It takes such bravery to truly follow your dreams and pursue what makes you happy… and that’s AFTER you’ve been smart enough to actually figure out what that is! “Peace through purpose” is truly genius. I love you so much and appreciate you and your dear friendship!
Katie,
When we met back in the Day I was so jealous of you! I have always envied and you and Yes you always inspire me to do better! <3 You have this amazing spirit, your a beautiful person inside and out, and I always said why can't I be like Katie, happy determined, so full of life. I remember the talks we had in my "office" you always knew what to say when I had a bad day, to make me feel better, and I hope that when you came to me for guidance and advice I was able to make you feel better in some small way.
I have seen you grow and change over the years, when you see something you want or want to change you go for it 110% with all your heart and that my friend is awesome. I never gave birth, and experienced those life changes as you have, but I have had and still do have those days weeks, even months where I look at my life and want to know what am I doing here, is this it? It's ok to want more, or to find your true happiness, and I honestly feel it's a small percentage of people who really have found that.
I have all the faith in the world that you will get through this and find your TRUE happiness. I know if you look at what you have you know your on the right track. You have an amazing family and it's growing and that will only fill your home and heart with more love and support then you can imagine.
So to answer the question, what makes me happy? Really happy?? Honestly….I don't know! I have a great husband surrounded by my family and friends, own my own business and of course my doggies, so what's my deal?
I think we all struggle with this from time to time, some more deep than others but YOUR NOT ALONE! I love you sweetie! Anytime you wanna chat I'm here!
TEARS!!! And I sat on the other side of that desk and thought “Linda is always laughing and so happy and fun, why can’t I be more like her?!” You always cheered me up and I learned so much from you. I’m so thankful for the time that we got to work together and I am so proud of you and all that you’ve accomplished with your business and shop! All my love to you and your wiggle butts! And the dogs too, LOL!
Thanks now I’m CRYING!
❤️ You!!
You are one of the bravest people I know. It’s exhausting to compare our darkest, loneliest thoughts to the best face everyone else is wearing. There are a million trite, insulting responses to your beautiful question – a hot cup of coffee, a sunrise, etcetera. But I think those can be cop out answers. Because to look at our lives and ask, “What makes me happy” is terrifying. A cup of coffee makes for a cute Insta pic, but that’s about it. As a woman who is lucky enough to be surrounded by incredible women, it’s so easy to compare. “Her house is prettier. Her legs are longer. Her hair is shiner. Her job is awesome. COOL – she has new winter boots that are gorgeous. F***ing good for her!* For me, what makes me happy to is focus on myself. TANGENT TIME: During an Oprah show in the 80s or 90s, she asked women to list out their priorities. Most women were last on the list or not on it at all. No offense to the men in our lives, but they don’t have to work at putting themselves on their own lists. They just do it. Because it keeps their sanity. Happiness for me is making sure I’m at the top of the list every day. Doesn’t mean I love my fiance any less. Doesn’t mean I love my family/dogs/work any less. It means that, if I need to read instead of fold laundry because I’m running out of steam, that’s fine. If I want ice cream, I refuse to hate myself for two days. I’m just gonna eat the damn ice cream. If the dishes don’t get washed because I’m nearing the end of my rope, okay! So to *finally* answer your question, happiness for me is putting myself at the top of the list every day so that I can better love my friends, family and (most importantly and NOT selfishly) myself.
Thank you so much for being an incredible friend to me – even when I might not deserve it! Funny you should mention it, because I happen to have a GORGEOUS coffee cup that makes for a super cute Insta pic… but ultimately (despite it’s sweet message) you’re right and the coffee doesn’t make me feel any better about myself. I think you are so smart to put yourself on the list… I am guilty of NOT doing that regularly enough. And when I do, I feel guilty for it, like I could have been doing something for Lila or cleaning the house. It’s a sad state of affairs when shaving your legs counts for “me time”! Thank you for your brilliant (as always) insight. I treasure you and love you dearly!
Kinda crazy you just posted this, the past two days I have been a crazy hormonal mess! I totally just got done throwing an adult temper tantrum bc I have SO much shit to do and the baby is crying and making it so hard! Girl, you are not alone! Three moves in three years, three kids no friends/family/help close by and the holidays approaching are completely stressing me out!!! Ahhhhh! I envy you and your exceptional talent for interior design and love reading your blog! Hugs and lots of prayers to you!
Oh how well I know the adult temper tantrum! I am so impressed with your ability to raise three beautiful littles and successfully move three times in three years. I can completely relate to the feeling of having to take it all on by yourself, but you aren’t alone either my friend! You can come spend Christmas with us – we’ll have dinner on our own moving boxes! LOL love you to pieces and miss you so much!
I love this idea of thinking deeper into the core of what makes us happy!
Emmy Coletti
What makes me happy is seeing Jana vicariously they you. We don’t have much time together recently but your energy and humor has brought me little glimpses of one of the best of Earthlings when I read ‘you’. Thank you for reuniting me with your birther. I see where you get your smart a$$ and your emotional spectrum from.
Aunt DeeTay
Oh I’m for sure on the emotional spectrum, no denying that! Thank you for reading, and for your support and encouragement. I love hearing from you – and have always loved your fun and humor!
Great post- thank you for sharing!
I don’t know if it’s one thing that makes me happy. I mean if I could have any job in the world I’d be an actress but if that was all I had I might be happy for a while but I’m sure I’d end up feeling like something was missing.
I think maybe happiness is the sum of a bunch of little things. The things I like to do on my own, time spent with loved ones, excelling at work, cooking or baking, my daughter- each little thing makes me whole and contributes to my happiness.
And I can relate on the other feelings. I’m kinda on the other end with struggling to conceive #2 but the guilt I get from people telling me I should be happy bc at least I have Isabelle or it could be worse is ridiculous. I believe the feelings we have, the pain or sadness we endure is relative to our own experiences. What, the only people allowed to be sad are those dying from something like cancer?
I think it’s important to feel all the feels, to let the good and the bad in. Things won’t always be perfect or easy. We won’t always be happy. But in the moments where it does feel perfect, when we feel overcome with joy- I think that’s when it makes all the other shit we go through worth it.
So well said my friend! I can’t believe that people would be so bold as to say some of those things to you. I have really been trying to pay attention to the fact that I have no idea what another person is going through, and I don’t get to decide how they should or shouldn’t feel about it. Though our struggles aren’t the same, I have always admired your strength and candor about what you’re going through. It absolutely does give others hope and comfort to know that they’re not alone. And for the record, I think you’d be a fabulous actress. 🙂
I read your blog post earlier today, but I wanted to “stew on it” a little and wait until I had time to give it some thought. First of all, I want to tell you that you are one of the most inspiring women I know. To me, you are that woman that always seems to have it together. You are so talented, witty and funny. You make it all look effortless. Secondly, nothing makes you crazy like hormonal issues. I’ve been through pregnancy and menopause and believe me, they’re “kissin’ cousins” when it comes to making you crazy. When mental health professional list some of the most stressful things in life, they include, pregnancy, moving and the holidays. The fact that you’re dealing with all of these at once and aren’t in a rubber room is pretty amazing. Girl, give yourself a break and don’t try to evaluate your life when you’re in “HORMONE HELL”. There is no right answer when your in that place. Keep reminding yourself that it’s just temporary insanity. Give yourself permission to have a meltdown and an ugly cry when you need to.
Kim you are hands down one of the sweetest, kindest, and most caring people I know! Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and I know just how right you are! I should probably focus on growing a baby and getting us moved before I go selling everything and quitting my job and moving to the middle of the woods somewhere! Although that does sound a bit appealing at the moment… I appreciate you and your insight! Lots of love to you my friend.
Love your realness. I have never been a glamourous preggo, but I am always able to focus on the end goal. I had a mantra and would just repeat over and over, one day at a time. Or some days it would be more like, “Come on Lauren, just move your left foot…” ….”now move your right.” Literally a one foot in front of the other. Just the other day, I was getting out of the car and heard myself say, “Your a beast. Lets do this.” Then I was like WTH. Was I talking out loud?? In fact, I realize that I literally talk out loud to myself and coach myself along. What makes me happy though at the end of the day is my faith and my family. My house is a hot mess, I am an emotional eater and we are pretty much broke, but I couldnt be more blessed and I focus on the small things, coach myself through and take it one moment at a time….also, I had PPD after my first, anxeity after my second and then no problems after my 3rd and then my 4th has been a dream. I know its not like that for everyone, but I have been so thankful that the same struggles I had after my first havent come back again! Thanks for sharing you heart and keep writing!! I have found that my blog is an outlet too – and cheaper than therapy, for sure. :*
I went through something similar about two years ago and it lasted a year or two before I figured things out. Granted, I don’t know that I will ever fully have it all figured out, but I do know I am happier today than I was a year or two ago. I was trying to homeschool, do photography, be a good homemaker, etc. Finally after spending day after day feeling angry, a nervous wreck, and just no happy I talked to my doctor. I started seeing a counselor and started medication. Through this journey I figured out, art makes me happy, taking care of myself so I am not constantly angry makes me happy. So, my kids went back to school this year. I know work on artwork. I feel like I have gained a piece of myself back. Prayer was a huge part of that journey. I don’t have much of a recommendation to help you answer your question except listen to yourself, be gentle with yourself, know you aren’t alone. Prayers for you to find what truly makes you happy!!! <3
Chrissie thank you for sharing this! Those are all things that I have considered – and I do pray quite a bit – but I’m sure I could benefit from the other things as well. Good for you for making changes to improve your situation and happiness. It shows on the inside and out, my friend!
Love how you are choosing to share the messy and beautiful journey of life!
I had my first child 46 years ago and this post brought so many memories back. Back then no one knew much about postpartum depression. This brought back so many memories. I just had to deal with it. I appreciate your beautiful and honest writing. I’m glad we came far enough to slap a name on it. I hope you know this may not happen with baby number 2. I think a very special person is going to come into your life.
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment! Yes, I’m glad that there is more awareness about PPD. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to feel that you can’t talk about it, it’s already so isolating as it is. I hope that you’re right and that my experience after baby #2 will be different this time around. Thank you for reading and messaging me! 🙂